Grief and love

One of the things I most value in my work as a therapist is that I get to witness our profound capacity for love. I am often introduced to loved ones through tales, laughter, photographs, tears, and memories. The place in which I most clearly see the power of love is in the lives of people who are bereaved.

It is natural when we grieve to want to banish the pain from our hearts, and this tendency is recognised in some of the key stages of grief, such as denial and anger. However, as ever in therapy our task is to sit with our feelings, to be accompanied and supported as we let what is within us unfold. In therapy we move through our feelings and listen to them, rather than resist them or avoid them. It is often said that ‘feeling is healing,’ but it doesn’t always feel that way when we are grieving. We wonder, ‘how long will I feel this way?’ or ‘will my heart ever mend?’

When we listen to our grief and the raw cry of loss, we also hear the voice of love. When we look grief in the eye we recognise the face of love. ‘I miss the pet names that he had for me. I won’t ever hear them anymore.’ ‘I miss the safety of my Nan’s house. Nothing could touch me there.’ ‘I used to sense his eyes on me while I put on my make-up.’ ‘She used to sing in the shower. I’d hear her as I got ready for work.’ ‘They never judged me. I felt so safe being theirs.’

Through our grief we come to understand the origin of the word ‘heartache’ and though we need support to bear it, sitting together in therapy, or with friends who are able to listen, we not only remember love, we are revisited by it. Gradually, unevenly, gently, it becomes more possible to contain.

“And when I turned to face grief, I saw that it was just love in a heavy coat.”

(Shannon Barry)